i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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