Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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