Three words: puerto rican gang bang
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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