i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
