My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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