I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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