someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
