Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
