Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
