Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
