I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
