Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
