True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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