Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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