I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Too much gin, very little bucket
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
