for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
