Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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