I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
