I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
this just has baby written all over it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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