I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This is my gift to your gina
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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