I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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