College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
