come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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