Just fell off a train. Bad.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
