I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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