Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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