I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
