oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
