I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
