hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
