you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
