I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
