Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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