you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
