My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Soap is not a condiment
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
