just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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