I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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