Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
