the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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