I just pynch a tree in the face
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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