I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
