I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
