The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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