My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
