Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
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Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
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almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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