She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
