Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
