Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
