Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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