Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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