YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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