Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
