best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
