Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
