i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
