god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
