When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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