She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
