The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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