I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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