i need an iv and a liver transplant
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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