Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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