last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
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I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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