I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
